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So seldom are clean,
And the clean ones so seldom are comical.
Whose balls got caught in a socket.
His wife was a bitch,
And she threw the switch,
As Crockett went off like a rocket.
Lives a lady they call Anastasia.
Not Russian elite –
She’s eager to eat.
Whatever or whoever lays her.
Whose cervical cap was a gong.
She said with a yell,
As a shot rang her bell,
“I’ll give you a ding for a dong!”
Who sucked shit from other mens’ bowels.
He also did this,
With prostitutes’ piss,
And the drippings from sanitary towels!
Couldn’t control his sphincter by choice.
So he speedily strode.
To his favorite commode,
Blew his nose, blew his ass, and rejoiced.
Who had an affair with a beaver.
The results of that fuck.
Were a canvas-backed duck,
Two canoes, and a golden retriever.
Wasn’t weaned until nearly sixteen.
He said, “I’ll admit.
There’s no milk in the tit,
But think of the fun it has been.”
When excited are twelve inches long.
This embarrassed her lover.
Who was pained to discover.
She expected no less of his dong.
Professed to lack sexual feeling.
But a cynic called Boris.
Just touched her clitoris,
And she had to be scraped off the ceiling.
A really magnificent farter,
On the strength of one bean.
He’d fart God Save the Queen,
And Beethoven’s Moonlight Sonata.
His fart to suit any occasion.
He could fart like a flute.
Like a lark, like a lute,
This highly fartistic Caucasian.
And fizzle a fine serenata.
He could play on his anus.
Oof, boom, er-tum, tootle, hum tah-dah!
He could double-stop fart The Toccata,
He’d boom from his ass.
Bach’s B-Minor Mass,
And in counterpoint, La Traviata.
With an envious Lieutenant Major,
He proceeded to fart.
The complete oboe part.
Of the Hayden Octet in B-Major.
And he farted it through with a smile;
Then, feeling quite jolly,
He tried the finale.
Blowing double-stopped farts all the while.
But it did not dismay him one bit,
‘Til with ass thrown aloft.
He suddenly coughed –
And collapsed in a shower of shit!
Melody – The Little Brown Jug (chorus only)
This is performed in the same manner as the Limericks, with spoken verses and singing chorus, verses alternating around the circle.
How do you like my poetry?
Not as mellow as Longfellow,
Its fleece was white as snow.
And everywhere that Mary went,
The lamb was sure to go.
It followed her to school one day, school one day, school one day,
It followed her to school one day,
And a big black dog fucked it!
And with the sheep she went to sleep,
The sheep turned out to be a ram,
And Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor was surprised.
But when Old MacDonald had a farm,
The doctor nearly died.
Her father shot it dead.
Now Mary takes the lamb to school,
Between two hunks of bread.
And it was always gruntin’.
She tied it to a five-bar gate,
And kicked its little cunt in.
Its fleece was white as snow.
And everywhere that Mary went,
The lamb was sure to go.
Now Mary found the price of meat too high,
Which really didn’t please her.
Tonight she’s having leg of lamb,
The rest is in the freezer.
She tied it to a pylon.
10,000 volts went up its ass,
And turned its wool to nylon.
She kept it in her garter.
And when the boys asked her the time,
She knew what they were after.
You’ve heard this tale before;
But did you know she passed her plate,
And had a little more!
She kept in her yard.
Every time she took her panties off,
His little wooly dick got hard.
Its fleece was black as charcoal.
Every time it jumped the fence,
You could see its little arsehole.
The doctors were astounded.
Everywhere that Mary went,
A little roast, a little jam.
An ice-cream soda topped with fizz,
Boy, how sick our Mary is.
She couldn’t stop it crying;
So she kicked it in the ass one day,
And sent it fucking flying.
Forever it was gluing.
Making models of its friends,
In strange positions, screwing.
It used to chew her slippers;
So Mary chopped off all it’s legs,
With a pair of clippers.
It didn’t have a willy.
Mary made a big mistake,
In calling this lamb Billy.
She knew just what to do;
She gave it paper and a pen,
Upon which it then drew,
A picture of a pussy cat.
And said “Look, this is mine.”
And Mary said “Fuck me, a talking sheep!”
That had a little tail.
Until she caught it smoking dope,
And locked it in the jail.
With carrots and with peas.
A little mint sauce on the top,
And stuffing in its knees.
She liked to stroke it’s head.
Until one day she found her husband.
Fucking it in her bed.
Its fleece was white as snow.
And everywhere that Mary went,
The lamb didn’t, because Mary was cunt.
It’s fleece was sodden red;
The reason for it was you see,
It had a pick-axe through its head.
It created some division;
It was not what she’d expected,
And shocked the obstetrician.
A giraffe and zebra too,
By the time she’d finished,
She’d fucked the whole damn zoo.
And now I’ve had enough.
Of this stupid girl called Mary.
And her wooly bit of muff.
Sat in the corner,
Fingering his sister Mary.
He stuck in his thumb,
And pulled out a plum,
And said, “Ain’t it supposed to be a cherry?”

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